Winter Solstice Celebrations

Winter solstice is an interesting time for celebration. Christmas was first instituted to replace pagan holidays held at the time of winter solstice. It is literally the day of the longest and darkest night. How fitting though that throughout the ages, whether in times of Christian dominated Europe or in the time or polytheism that people gathered to celebrate. It seems a fitting symbol of how in the times of the greatest darkness surrounding us we always can turn to the light found in friends, neighbors and family. Interestingly we interpret this scripture from Isaiah to apply to Jesus whom we celebrate in this time of darkness:

"The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light: they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined." Isaiah 9:2

In the life of Jesus we have found the symbol of all those virtues which we espouse that bring us together as human beings: compassion, kindness, love, and forgiveness. We emphasize his life as a motivating force to demonstrate greater charity and to bridge the social gaps between neighbors and friends. To create the light in the darkness.

Yesterday on the day of winter solstice we invited neighbors over for a small party. We told our immediate neighbors we would be doing this instead of distributing treats to neighbors as we usually do. It was a great time to talk to neighbors who, in the time of winter, we communicate less with as we hurry from our cars into the warmth of our homes. As we talked with our next-door neighbor after the others had left Christmas carolers from our LDS ward came and sang to us. We distributed our cookies to them as we joked and laughed. After it was all over I was so grateful for that evening-the enjoyment of good company is far better than any present dropped off at the door.

I am grateful for the light of so many in my life who shine in times of darkness-whether literal physical darkness at winter solstice or the darkness of emotional pain and loneliness. I am also grateful for people and symbols that inspire us to share a little more of that light-whether religious or secular, real or fanciful, as long as they motivate us to love, charity and goodness.

Patriotism and Spirituality

One time during the medal ceremony of the Olympics some years ago I watched as the gold medalist responded emotionally to the raising of her flag while the anthem of her country played. I don’t recall what country she was from except that she wasn’t from the United States. I thought it was interesting that while I could relate to the emotion of patriotism I couldn't really feel it with respect to her flag or anthem. The flag and the song meant nothing to me and consequently the ceremony evoked little within as I watched it. However, there were of course many times when watching the U.S. flag rise to "The Star-Spangled Banner" that strong emotions had come. Of course I doubt most outside of the United States feel those emotions for our anthem or flag.

Emotions of patriotism obviously depend heavily on the environment in which one was raised. We feel patriotism for a country because we have been instructed to do so but also because we can identify certain key aspects of our lives that are associated with it. Most people do not leave their home country to find a new one and/or develop patriotism towards a country in which they were not born.


The same would seem true of spirituality. I attended a Catholic mass in the Florence cathedral once during my LDS mission . Attending a Catholic service in such a magnificent building, over 500 years old that had undoubtedly been a place of worship for innumerable notable figures in Catholic history, would have undoubtedly brought great emotion to any devout Catholic. However for me while I can't say I felt nothing that I would usually associate with spirituality, I certainly would not say I had anything akin to the type of experience I had in Mormon sacrament meetings or especially the temple. There were of course those that seemed to be very caught up spiritually in the ceremony and I certainly met many who had such strong spiritual experiences associated with Catholicism in general that they had made enormous sacrifices. Religion, like citizenship, also seems to be something the vast majority of people maintain throughout their life-with most living and dying in the faith they were born into (if they maintain any religious affiliation at all) and this in spite of the relative ease of switching religious affiliation when compared to citizenship.


There are of course many exemptions to both situations. Despite what the majority do many do in fact change their citizenship and religious affiliation and we assume with that change for many their feelings of patriotism and spirituality change as well. Interestingly enough though the ones who do make these dramatic changes often have similarities. They are disproportionately the poor, for example. While this is fairly obvious with citizenship (how many Canadians are moving to the United States when compared to Mexicans, for example) but religion often sees this trend as well. Scriptures even recognize this fact, suggesting that humility brought about by poverty can lead to the change of heart necessary to bring conversion. Another less common scenario but common enough is a romantic interest. This seems to be more prevalent in religion-where someone meets a potential spouse of a different faith and then converts-but I have certainly seen it occur on multiple occasions with citizenship as well.


All this seems to line up quite well with how evolution by natural selection would explain our spiritual and patriotic emotions. It would seem both these emotions, distinct though they may be as they certainly were for me, help to define and bind us into social groups. They create bonds with other humans that encourage collaborative efforts, mutually beneficial reciprocating acts and unification against outside forces. Such emotions depend heavily on the environment in which one was raised but such emotions can be swayed. There is great risk in changing social groups since it is extremely difficult to make up for the advantage of the experience and knowledge one gain's growing up within a social group. There are also many social mechanisms built into each social construct to prevent the loss of it’s members and to protect against infiltration from ‘outsiders’. However we would see that it would generally make sense for someone to change social groups in the event that another social group offered a relative evolutionary advantage-additional resources for one's survival, more opportunities for mutually beneficial reciprocating acts or a better potential partner for procreation. Consequently we see that our emotions evolved to tie us to the social group we were born into most of the time but with the ability to also change towards a different social group in the event that there is considerable potential for an even greater evolutionary advantage elsewhere.


While some may feel this detracts from the beauty of spirituality and patriotism I think it gives us a greater appreciation of both while enhancing tolerance towards others who may differ in those essential aspects. There is beauty in a process that was woven together over eons of time to form the intense emotions that bind us together and yes, sadly at times, pit us against each other. However in recognizing the process for what it is we can begin to realize there is both positives and negatives to these evolved instincts and seek to embrace an improved sense of patriotism and spirituality. A system of patriotism and spirituality that doesn't exclusively embrace one’s ‘in-group’ and shuns others but one that opens up spirituality and patriotism. A belief system that is open enough to facilitate each individual finding the greatest potential happiness and fulfillment in the beliefs that best fit each individual's needs and desires while encouraging the greatest degree of positive interaction between all members of the human race.


(Images from Wikipedia from the entries for Olympic Games, Florence Cathedral, Naturalized citizenship and Prayer respectively).

Thoughts On Thankfulness

The week of Thanksgiving has ironically given me the reminder of so many things that I often take for granted that I ought to be grateful for. The week started out with Aspen being diagnosed with pneumonia and with me experiencing a persistent dull pain in my right hand and arm. Fortunately Aspen has improved-though she is still quite sick and now I've got her cold-and my pain subsided. However it has been a great reminder of so many things, like good health in myself and my loved ones, that I often take for granted. It was for this reason I somewhat jokingly-though somewhat seriously-posted my Facebook status as "I'm grateful that I have so many things I can take for granted".

Unfortunately though one of the most tragic of all human frailties is our inherent failure to appreciate that which we already have. We persistently engage subconsciously or consciously in the pursuit of enhancing and improving our situation with such diligence that we leave no mental space to relish the incredible bounty of our current circumstances. There is even a well-known saying that describes this reality-'the grass is always greener on the other side'. The first great tragedy in this is we so often imperil the great blessings we already have-jumping towards greener pastures only to realize the grass now looks greener where we once stood. The second aspect of this tragedy is that ingratitude robs of us the joy of what we already have. There is a certain irony in the situation that so many us experience. Here we live in a time and place (the United States) where our standard of living far exceeds that of the vast majority of humankind both past and present and yet we squander it's enjoyment lamenting how we don't have as large a house as a friend or relative, drive a car as fancy or that we don't have other commodities and services available to those wealthier than ourselves. Similarly we taint the joy of our good health daydreaming of being in a healthier, better-looking body and worst of all we ruin beautiful friendships and family relationships as we drift to thoughts of the types of friends and family we'd rather have.


All this has brought me to a recognition of the wisdom of one aspect of the tradition I was brought up in. As is true for most raised in religious traditions I was instructed on the importance of daily prayer and especially the importance of always including specific things for which I was grateful. Now I'm not going to discuss or argue whether or not someone actually listens to prayers. I have friends and family on both sides of that argument. But regardless of one's beliefs one can see the benefit to the person praying. Admittedly as in all religious practice there is the tendency to become repetitive and to lose any real meaningful reflection-but with effort for true focus on the positives of one's life there can be clear benefit. Such prayer gives a daily time of meditating the things going right in one's life-a time when one sets aside the persistent chase of the unattained (and often completely unattainable) social status, material goods, or the imagined perfect relationship for recognizing that even if none of those things are achieved that we have so much that we can sow happiness from already. It doesn't mean that we necessarily forget to seek after improvement in our life as that pursuit itself can offer us great rewards-but it does leave us with greater fulfillment regardless of the success of our efforts. I think even from a secular perspective a practice of daily contemplation upon the things for which one is grateful can brighten one's life. Even if one doesn't feel all blessings we possess are from divine providence I feel gratitude and appreciation for good fortune requires no benefactor. So this Thanksgiving I've decided to try harder incorporate the daily practice of thankfulness into my life. Happiness of the least price but of the greatest worth is often found in the appreciation of what we already have.

Missing My Grandparents

I was looking through my Aunt Loni's blogs and came across a blog she had made of pictures of her parents, my grandparents from various times of their lives. Of course as a grandchild I recall them only looking like this:

However I love seeing pictures like this when they were close to my current age:

Admittedly such pictures do fill me with a bit of melancholy. I feel sadness at not seeing my grandparents any more and in being able to enjoy their warm hugs and beautiful smiles. I miss being able to hear their remarkable life experiences and to hear of times and places that were so different from my own. They brought so much joy into my life and taught me so much that I treasure.

There is also sadness in what I never asked. In part I am sad because some of the questions I don't know if I would have the courage to ask them even if they were here today with me. I think it's unfortunate that some of our greatest struggles as human beings and consequently some of the things that we would gain the most helpful insights from others regard questions that we dare not even discuss and even fear to acknowledge as difficult.

However with the sadness of those pictures also comes appreciation and joy. Appreciation at lives that were well-lived and happiness on reflection of the experiences that they enjoyed and savored. Appreciation that I had the incredible opportunity to enjoy their association and love. But also apprecation of the solemn reminder that time marches forward. That under even the best of circumstances we grow old and slow in our pace and that eventually this life will be over. But in each moment there is the now, the now which can be embraced and loved while simultaneously planning to make each future moment just a little brighter and better-just as I feel my grandparents did both for themselves and for others.

Thoughts on Gay Marriage

I had not given much attention to the matter of gay marriage until it really impacted those I knew and cared about. About two years ago I learned that a former roommate and close friend of mine from BYU had announced he was gay. Despite living in the same house with this friend for 3 years it never once crossed my mind that he was homosexual. He had hid his private emotions from us completely. However I did know him to be one of the most compassionate and considerate human beings I had ever met. I was repeatedly impressed by the great efforts he made to improve the lives of those around him and how much patience and kindness he showed to family and friends.

When I learned that he was gay I was overcome with great sadness. Admittedly some of the sadness was because of the biological difficulties a gay man faces, like being able to have children, since I had always known he would make a fantastic father. But I also felt an overwhelming sadness for all those years growing up in the Church where he must have been incredibly burdened with guilt and sadness wondering what he had done to feel the way he felt and how he would ever change and/or be accepted. I felt terrible for all the hours he had listened to all my problems when he must have been dying inside from feeling he couldn't talk to anyone about his internal struggle. And worst of all I felt terrible knowing that if he had talked to me while we had been at BYU I wouldn't have been very accepting or helpful.

However for all the sadness I was grateful that my friend had accepted who he was and embraced a path that seemed to offer him greater happiness. He had found a partner that, like him, wanted to eventually raise a family and since they couldn't marry they had a commitment ceremony. While I didn't have the opportunity to attend the ceremony I did meet his partner and he seemed like a great guy and most importantly knowing my friend I'm sure he would only select someone who reflected his own excellent character.

Marriage comes with an incredible amount of privileges. It comes with many privileges that we might consider superficial, such as tax breaks or the ability to easily transfer property, but it also comes with privileges of remarkable individual and social trust, such as joint guardianship of children. It is perhaps something we take too lightly in providing to heterosexuals. Anyone who can find a partner of the opposite sex can simply walk into the county offices and with twenty dollars be offered all the social privileges of marriage regardless of the level of responsbility they've demonstrated or the manner of crimes they've committed. There is certainly still all too many for whom marriage is simply a means of attaining wealth, citizenship, power or some other unworthy goal. Yet I think of my friend and other gays who I have met since then who seek marriage. They seek to affirm their relationship with their lifelong partner who they love and trust. They seek the social trust and ability to raise a family that I know they would carry out as well or better than the vast majority of heterosexual spouses. While I know there will be those homosexuals, like all too many heterosexuals, who mess up marriage and who use it's social advantages to attain ignoble ends there are so many gay men and women who, like my friend, have demonstrated themselves far more worthy of that social endowment than any of us. I think the institution of marriage would only be strengthened and enriched to be shared by such men and women.

Experienced Truth Versus Absolute Truth

Once I delved a little into philosophy I came across several realizations that were difficult to both grasp and accept. Among these was the uncertainty that beleaguers all human knowledge.

Initially I wanted to accept absolute truth based on scientific observation. But I came to see that even when we repeatedly observe a phenomenon and our observations exhibit consistent results we still remain uncertain. This uncertainty stems from both the possibility that our observations will change in the future (who knows, gravity might not work tomorrow) and there is also the pesky possibility that our observations are not actually 'real'. For example, the apple that allegedly fell on Newton's head may have not been an apple and whatever it was may have not been falling. It's entirely possible that Newton was a brain floating in a gravity-less universe that was being fed an array of impulses which led him to believe he was actually standing on a planet with things called 'apples' falling around him. In other words, it can be argued that all our perceptions are in fact an illusion with no actual link to 'reality'. It is for this reason that philosophy at it's core has only one certainty, stated by Descartes, "I think, therefore I am". The only certainty anyone has is one's own existence.

However, as a practical matter, all of us go beyond that assertion to accept other 'truth'. We could go through life talking about apples and gravity as being potential illusions but it would certainly add excessive dialogue to our conversation. Such added talk might impede the progression in finding practical solutions to avoiding falling objects, apples or otherwise, as well as combating with the forces of gravity in flight and space travel. Just imagine you are warning your friend of a falling tree only to have your friend remind you, shortly before being crushed, that no one can be certain anything actually 'falls'. Real or not, accepting the theory of gravity as real adds real value to a person's life because even if gravity is not an absolute reality it is an experienced reality.

I have come to realize that most of the things people accept as true boil down to such practical value. Regardless of whether their conclusions reflect some 'absolute truth' accepting it as truth is beneficial because it reflects an 'experienced truth'. This extends to any theory whether gravity, electricity or the existence of Lady Gaga (I sincerely hope she exists because personally I'm a big fan;). The point is, anything beyond our own existence is not necessarily absolute truth since all perception of everything outside ourselves necessarily goes through our potentially flawed sensory tools. All knowledge is only experienced truth, or something we accept as true as a practical matter based on our experience.

I also have come to see how religious truth falls under this same 'experienced truth' category. I don't say this to degrade religious faith since as I mentioned scientific knowledge falls under experienced truth as well. Religion, like science, is a part of many people's lives in a way that is accepted as truth as a matter of practical value. Most people adopt religion for many of the same reasons people adopt science-because it works. People who adopt religious faith often find, regardless of whether religion represents an absolute cosmic truth about the universe, that it often fulfills it's stated promise of personal joy and peace and a community of security and friendship. However, it remains true that regardless of this functionality our perceptions of religious truth go through our senses, spiritual or otherwise, which may not reflect 'reality' and it is always possible the observations that seemed consistent may change or not be the same for one individual as they are for another. (It could also be argued that religious observations are in fact not 'consistent' at all but I won't get into that heated discussion right now).

However, one difference, and an important one, is that science generally couches it's language to reflect the actual uncertainty present in all it's knowledge while religion does not. Science, for example, relies on theory-which is stated as accepted knowledge that is open for revision pending future potential contradictions-even for the most accepted knowledge such as the theory of gravity. Religion, on the other hand, unequivocally makes claims of 'absolute truth'. This is troubling to me for many reasons but mostly because it discourages individuals for whom religion doesn't 'work' to feel free to explore other alternatives. While I am happy that many individuals find the fulfillment and peace they seek through religion I also hope for a world where individuals feel free, without the fear of eternal punishment made in connection to claims of absolute truth, to find fulfillment and peace elsewhere.

The Importance of Play

One evening I came home to an strange looking green paste in a bowl on our kitchen counter. Steph explained that we were now almost out of parmesan cheese because Emma and Aspen had decided to take the entire container of parmesan cheese and to mix it with a can of enchilada sauce.

On another occasion while I was busy watching Grant Emma decided to make herself a buttered graham cracker. For those who are unfamiliar with this tasty dessert, it consists of 1 part cracker and about 3 parts butter-thus leaving you unsure if there is actually a graham cracker at all in the mountain of butter. Also to prepare this dish properly you should scoop out the butter with your hands. To top it off you should throw the butter-buried graham cracker in a large cup of water.

Next to sibling quarrels the messy or sometimes even dangerous consequences of children playing is one of the greatest challenges of a parent. And yet, play is so important. I recently read The Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt. In the book Haidt discusses the role of play in our evolution and how, like most things in evolution, play is one of those great trade-offs between risk and reward. Play, he explained, is a necessary part of understanding the world we live in. Among our ancient ancestors it's true children who were too reckless or excessive in their play were endangered and potentially didn't survive but those who didn't play didn't learn about their world and consequently didn't survive either. Play is a child's path of discovery, a delicate balance between the dangers of exploration with the need to comprehend their world.

Admittedly this doesn't always console me when I'm cleaning up my daughters latest concoction or fishing in my son's mouth to remove whatever mysterious object he's found on the floor. But recognizing they are following the instincts that will help them learn and understand their world I do find added patience and a greater willingness to accept the occassional mess. I also find a bit of excitement in how I can channel that desire into more productive and safe paths so that they can cultivate a desire to learn throughout their lives.

First Church-The Salt Lake Unitarians

This Sunday I decided to do something I had never done before-attend the Sunday worship services of another Church. I chose to attend the Unitarian church and I had a wonderful time. As I walked into the chapel, which they have named First Church, I was impressed with how beautiful and pristine all the windows and perfectly white walls were. The service began with announcements and they were honoring teachers and in particular giving thanks to all those who had taught the classes for the preceding year. After that they had a very short lamp lighting ceremony that some of the younger kids led. It was admittedly a little cheesy but I really liked the message of the simple chant that, if I recall correctly, was "let this lamp represent the light of truth, the warmth of love and the energy to put it into action" complete with movements made by the kids as they gave the chant. Then the children left for their classes while the adults stayed to listen to the sermon of the Unitarian reverend. Since we were honoring teachers he decided to talk about learning from the teachers in nature.

Admittedly all the things taught in the sermon I didn't agree with. He obviously supports vegetarianism that while I can certainly see the philosophical argument for I don't think I'll ever fully embrace. (My philosophical justication I guess would be that without meat I'd probably commit suicide so it's either me or them and philosophically I always support saving the life of a human over an animal;). But the beautiful thing is that I knew it was an environment where I wasn't expected to accept everything. As a women who talked to me after the meeting explained, "We don't have any dogma here. We have Christians, Buddhists and even atheists and what you believe is up to you. We're just here to have dialogue and have a community."

However there were many things the sermon expressed that I sympathized with. He explained how observing the natural world, for example, should make us more accepting of same-sex unions. He explained how over 450 species of animals have been observed engaged in homosexuality. These animals are not excluded or shunned by others of their species. He also explained how sadly even animals, like humans, can be caged into acting or thinking dogmatically. He shared the example of a circus bear that spent much of his life restricted to a 9 foot square cage and once taken to a large zoo with a spacious area it spent it's life pacing the same area of 9 feet by 9 feet-never wandering beyond the barriers that it had accepted even when they were now no more than an illusion. All in all I found the talk refreshing and inciteful.

At the end of the service I was introduced to a few people, including the reverend of the congregation. I can honestly say the emotions I felt during the meeting, being introduced to the members there, and on reflection afterwards were the emotions I would have once called 'the Spirit'. It was a wonderful feeling, one that reinforced my belief that spirituality is ultimately the experience of when the music playing within us individually finds a melodic harmony with the music playing with those around us.

Steph's Amazing Cake Decorating

On Emma's birthday this year Steph decided to make a special birthday cake. Later she also took a cake decorating class. Today I thought I'd show off some of her impressive creations. Warning, hunger and craving for delicious sugar-packed cake will undoubtedly ensue. Also before you ask, yes, that first doll is actually wearing a cake.






Uh, yeah that last one didn't quite make it to picture time.

The Men Who Stare At Goats

When I saw the preview for 'The Men Who Stare At Goats' I had zero desire to see it. I thought the title was terrible and the goat plopping over with George Clooney staring at it was doing very little to reel me in. However I happened upon a podcast where the author of the book-which the movie is only 'loosely' based on- was being interviewed and I was intrigued by the subject matter. I decided to get the book at the library and once I started it I couldn't put it down-a rarity for me with any book.

The Men Who Stare At Goats is about the military's involvement in researching paranormal superpowers. That's right, our government, if you can believe it, wasting money on things that make absolutely no sense. The book details the governments investigation into psychic spies, subliminal mind control and killing animals by staring at them among other things.

Admittedly at times the author, Jon Ronson, I think tried to suggest a connection between these government activities and a host of other things that seemed a little far-fetched even though it made for interesting reading. For example, he writes about how a psychic spy trained by the military began training others and how one of these trainees eventually announced the arrival of a giant object accompanying the comet Hale-Bopp. He suggests this announcement inspired the Heaven's Gate cult mass suicide. He also discussed how Al Quaida is apparently looking into paranormal powers now as well. I hope this latter rumor is true. The more time terrorists spend investigating how to control our minds with silent messages and how to develop the power to harm people by staring at them the less they'll have to learn how to actually do something that might actually hurt someone.

All and all though it was a fun ride, leaving you fascinated at how individuals who have risen to the height of power can still be duped by psychics and paranormal gurus. Though eerily enough it's funny to see yourself asking-I wonder if that could really work? And if, by the way, the subliminal invisible message I wrote in white font between paragraphs is leaving you with an uncontrollable urge to send me loads of cash please let me know-preferably in a letter stuffed with loads of cash;).

Endure To The End

I haven't posted in awhile since thoughts on the afterlife is a tough springboard into other subjects. So today I thought I'd bring us back to life, so to speak, with the topic of enduring to the end.

After I got married this phrase hit me particularly hard. I had hit all the major landmarks on the road to salvation: get baptized, receive the Aaronic and Melchizedek priesthoods, go to the temple, serve a mission, get married and graduate from BYU. (Okay, maybe that last one was a misconception). It seemed the only remaining item on my 'list' was 'endure to the end'. This seemed rather daunting. Before there had always been some checklist item hanging imminently in front of me with clear blessings accompanying each item. Now the only items left seemed to be 'endure' and die.

I think the word endure hit me particularly hard after my mission since I could see it's Latin roots. The word 'dura' in Italian means hard. The prefix en usually denotes 'within'. So endure in a way means within hardship. When I looked up endure using the definition Google function (you type in define: 'word you want to look up') the first definition that came up was "put up with something or somebody unpleasant".

I don't want my life to be something I simply endured, I want it to be lived. I don't mean to suggest we walk away from the difficult or the challenging but rather we come to see the way such instances enhance the beauty of our life. Work, for example, can be seen as an obstacle to fun and enjoyment or it can be infused with appreciation for the variety it adds and the way it enhances the enjoyment of relaxation. Marriage can be seen as an unending stream of obligations or an ongoing exchange of love and mutual support. Children can be seen as a burden or endowment filling our lives with love and meaning.

In short I don't like the phrase endure to the end because it suggests we are in a constant state of difficulty and deprivation, that life is something to 'put up with' until you get your reward. Rather I hope to find the reward in living a well-lived life. I recognize the need to live our life in a way that is socially responsible, that minimizes conflict and that enhances our relationships with other people. I think such denotes a good or well-lived life. Such a life is not to be endured but cherished. Such a life doesn't have to be endured to receive one's reward but rather there are innumerable rewards to be discovered in living such a life.

Thoughts on the After Life

I was first going to say that going through a transition of faith often brings one to think about death but I suppose the reality is that being mortal often brings one to think about death. So I assume that all of you have probably given the subject considerable thought-except of course for my friends who are under 25 who still think they are immortal. (Though having past that age myself that is an ever dwindling percentage of my friends.) I also suppose that being a hypochondriac like me can bring one to think about death a lot more than most people since a hypochondriac is very good at being reminded at just how mortal he really is.

When I was a teenager and had doubts about the Church one of the main factors that kept me active in the Church was the fear of death. The Church promised the ability to gain a 'sure knowledge' of key truths and the one thing I wanted reassurance of more than anything else was the afterlife. I remained active and increasingly devout over the following years. While there was moments of peace and fulfillment during this time whenever I faced any sort of health crisis-and being a hypochondriac ensured I had them quite often even in circumstances most people would never call a crisis-that peace was quickly shattered. This particularly came to a head my senior year at BYU where various pressures and stresses in my life brought me to experience more severe physical symptoms.

The stress ultimately subsided as doctors assured me that the physical ailments I suffered from were not caused by any serious underlying condition. I also began to do more secular research on my own mental health and found many helpful tools in understanding the difficulties I faced in this regard. However the experience, which came at a time when I was living the Church as diligently as at any time in my life, made me accept that the Church didn't offer me absolute reassurance of life after death. It only offered me hope.

I realized that hope the Church offered me was still accessible to me regardless of what I believed. I could certainly hope for an afterlife. Yet at the same time for me I realized that hope didn't have to be wrapped up or attached to things that didn't make sense to me. If there was evidence the afterlife was a certain way or conformed to certain rules then certainly I would embrace it but thus far no evidence I had been presented (or that I've been presented since) seemed logically compelling. I feel confident that I am just as likely to die and find out God is a Buddhist, Muslim or Unitarian as a Mormon. I came to accept a hope in the afterlife while rejecting any specific religious concept of the afterlife and to try to live the life I know I have as well as I can.

Now, do I fear death? Of course. I am terrified of death but I always was. I meet few who aren't-particularly in face of a true health problem. I just accept that I can't eliminate it and that I have to focus on living life. However, there are some things I don't fear anymore. I don't fear that I have to believe or think a certain way to assure myself a good afterlife. I focus on how actions will effect my relationships with others instead of fearing how I will be punished after I die for what I do or don't do. I focus on life and when I think of death I remind myself that one, I can't stop it and two that I am hoping for an afterlife. While I see no reason to accept the beliefs of any religion about such an afterlife I honestly believe that if there is a an afterlife ruled by a just, omnipotent and loving God that the eternal significance of what holy books we attributed to Him, the places we worshipped or the creeds we adopted will be of utter insignificance.I also believe we'll all eventually participate in the best possible source of ongoing joy and happiness realized from the very thing that brings it to us in this life-in nurturing positive relationships with our fellow man and increasing in the understanding of our spectacular world and universe.

Missing the Mission

My brother Andrew returned from his mission in Peru on Wednesday. He appears to have had a wonderful time and occasionally sputters unwittingly into spanish. Unlike me he had the wonderful opportunity of serving with native companions-in fact almost exclusively with native companions.

It's been almost a decade since I returned from my own mission. My views on life and religion have changed drastically since that time but I still cherish my mission experience. I often wish I could go back to my mission and instead of being so intent on teaching people just listen. I talked to more people from different backgrounds on my mission than I had or probably ever will in my lifetime. On my mission I spoke to people from almost every part of the globe-since immigrants were often more willing to listen to us. But not only did I have the chance to speak to these people I had the opportunity to ask their thoughts and feelings about one of the most central parts of their life-religion. How often I asked a few superficial questions of people from these vastly different backgrounds just so I could lead into the message I thought was so much more important than anything they had to say. How sad that I neglected the chance to learn about such a wide array of cultures and religious backgrounds.

However, even with my neglect I took in an incredible amount of experiences. I had men who claimed to receive visitations from Padre Pio or the Virgin Mary to exuberant atheists who encouraged us to stop preaching and just start enjoying life to scientologists who tried to sell us their manuals. I attended Mass in the 500 year old Florence Cathedral and saw countless works of great art including 'The David'. I rode across the canals of Venice and saw the beautiful flowing hills of rural Tuscany.

But most of all I got to see the day to day living of a wonderful and ancient people-the Italians. How much I love them and miss them. I miss how on Saturday and Sunday evening instead of sitting home watching television the Italians would emerge from their homes, even in winter, to walk the streets of dowtown. Downtown areas were generally only for pedestrian traffic. They would walk with their families and greet friends as they perused the various stores. I miss the delicious food that they prepared with such dedication and such delight. I miss seeing the old men gather every morning on central square to talk and argue politics with their friends. I miss the kisses they exchanged as they greeted one another. I miss the angelic sound of their beautiful language as it flowed from their smiles.

How strange it is to look back and to think I thought I had the key to filling their lives with meaning when so many of them had figured it all out. They knew how to take in the simple pleasures of life with moderation and joy. They drank, but frowned on getting drunk. They ate delicious food, but walked and generally didn't eat to the point of becoming overweight. But most of all they drank in deeply the one joy that they knew mattered most and that would ultimately bring them the most sustainable happiness-fulfilling relationships with other people.

"I Ate Money"

Saturday our two year old daughter Aspen suddenly started coughing and then began throwing up. She had seemed fine all day and so I immediately suspected she had eaten something but she wouldn't say. Steph went to the store thinking she was just sick but Aspen kept vomiting. Finally I turned off the TV and made her look right at me, "Aspen, did you eat anything you shouldn't have?" She looked at me with a sad face, I guess feeling a little guilty, and said, "I ate money." I got out a few coins and asked her which kind she ate and she seemed to point to a penny that I held up and she nodded when I asked, "Did you eat this?" I asked her when she ate it but I think she thought I asked 'why' instead of when because she looked up still with her sad face, "I wanted a treat."

I hurriedly looked up online and sadly found out that about the only coin you have to worry about swallowing is a penny. Apparently a penny has zinc which can lead to ulcers-particularly if it gets stuck. I went back to Aspen, "Are you sure you ate this kind of money?" holding up the penny. At that point she looked up again with her sad puppy eyes and about made me cry with, "I'm sure that I love you." I hugged her and decided I would just trust that she had eaten a penny. I called Poison Control who told me to get her medical help.

On the way to the Instacare Aspen threw up again. She threw up again while waiting for the x-ray. The x-ray came back with a giant circle in her neck. It was stuck in her esophagus and while the doctor didn't appear panicked she made it quite clear, "You have to go to the ER at Primary Children's Hospital right now." I hurried to the car and Steph called, having arrived home and said she would meet me at the hospital. Aspen slept on the way to the hospital-which actually made me freak out as I was afraid she had passed out so I would occasionally wake her up to make sure she was okay.
At the ER I saw firsthand the problem of people using the ER as their primary care doctor. The waiting room was packed. I was very lucky that a nurse on her way home from her shift saw me holding the picture of Aspen's x-ray and approached me, "she swallowed a coin, poor thing. I'll get her in right away." and hurried back with her x-ray to radiology. Only five minutes after checking in we were taken back to a patient room.

Aspen through all this was very brave. At first when we headed to Instacare and I told her we were going to the doctor she was excited about seeing the fish. Once we actually got there and she had looked at the fish everything after that was sort of a downer. Throwing up, weird people poking her and rooms full of weird machines probably weren't quite as fun as fish. She was obviously sad but never cried. In the patient room I held her and sang and when I asked if she wanted me to kept singing she nodded her head silently.

While in the patient room Steph arrived with my Dad since Steph left the kids with my Mom. She perked up a little to see her Mom but quickly went back to her somber look. Steph asked her if she wanted to say a prayer and she shook her head and she didn't want anymore singing either.

A radiologist tech came in and took us to a room with a huge x-ray machine. He told us we were going to tie Aspen to a board and a radiologist would put a small tube down her throat while watching her on the 'live' x-ray machine to pull it out. Aspen never cried while being tied to the board and even once they started to put the tube down her throat that the radiologist told her to 'eat like spaghetti'. She cried some once she started to gag but the tube clasped onto the coin fairly quickly and came right out. Once it was in her mouth we turned her on the board to her side so she could spit it out. It was a nickel, not a penny. The technician said it was one of the smoothest removals he'd seen-and apparently this happens quite often-two to three times a week he said. If it hadn't come out they would have had to taken her to the operating room for an endoscopy.

After the coin was out the vomiting stopped and she was able to take liquids. She downed a juice box and almost all of another small juice container before stopping. Within about ten minutes she was starting to smile and laugh.

At home that night while laying in bed I realize that as much as I hate things like that it does put things in perspective. You realize that you can be caught up in the minutia of life and the insignificant details and suddenly the things which are most precious to you can be at stake. Aspen wasn't in serious trouble but I could see how tenuous our safety and well-being really is. It also makes you appreciate the blessing of being in a time with so many incredible advances. I've been reading a book about the wives of Joseph Smith. One of his wives later married Brigham Young and had five children, all that died in childhood of what would now be minor infections and then she died of breast cancer in her middle age. We take for granted the wonderful medical care that has come from the countless hours of researchers striving to provide new scientific discoveries and medical equipment as well as the doctors and nurses and hospital staff that work tirelessly to provide us care. But sadly we know even with having the best medical care in history there are no guarantees. I suppose that realization, brought home at times by major or even minor health scares, reminds us to appreciate our own lives and the lives of those we hold precious that much more.

The Inherent Hypocrisy In Parenting

Every morning when my daughters get out of bed they go down to the living room to start off the day with their daily dose of Curious George. Then I receive my first order of the day from both of them, one generally taking the cue from whoever remembers first, "Dad, I want chocolate milk!" This order is rarely responded to promptly -at times because I'm still in bed or at other times because I simply have higher priorities than supplying my daughter's routine fix of chocolate milk-but however much time I take I can be assured that the order will be repeated louder and louder and more frequently the more I allow time to lapse from the initial request.

About a year ago I noticed that when I asked our oldest daugther to do something she suddenly started responding with "Just a minute". Of course, what this really meant was, "Forget about it dad, I'm not going to do it." Mostly I assume because after a minute passes in a 4 year old's world any lingering memory of a parent's request disappeared 59 seconds ago. My natural reaction to this was, "No, not in a minute, right now!" It was only after a few times that this process was repeated before it even struck me where her seemingly novel idea of putting me off with 'just a minute' was coming from-me. I often told her 'just a minute' when I was putting off her requests such as those for the chocolate milke and sadly, just as she did, at times I allowed enough time to pass that I completely forget to get around to responding to what she requested.

It has since occurred to me how often our hypocrisy as parents is manifest. To some extent such hypocrisy is necessary. Certainly there are priorities as an adult that I understand pre-empt chocolate milk and requests I make of my children that demand immediate attention-if for no other reason than they won't remember to do it later. But there are many times where I've realized I've been hypocritical unecessarily. I have, for example, often disallowed my daugther from eating snacks or dessert before a meal but I realize how frequently I sneak a cookie or other dessert before dinner. We are trying to give them a good start in life with establishing good habits(and yes, we're working on kicking the chocolate milk habit as well) perhaps at the recognition we've failed to establish those habits ourselves.

It makes me realize that we are in many ways closer to being big kids rather than adults than we like to think. Certainly we have a much more complex array of emotions we are dealing with and are processing a larger amount of information but we still find ourselves in a battle with our instincts. If we as adults lose that battle so frequently how surprised should we be that our children, with far less comprehension and experience, lose those battles as well? If nothing else, it can certainly instill us with a degree of patience. So at times when I find myself overly frustrated at my kids for fighting or sneaking desserts I've told them to stay away from I remind myself that I'm still figuring out how to get myself to go a week without buying junk from the vending machine.

Pushing Why

About a year ago my oldest daughter discovered a useful word. Little could I imagine the Pandora's Box that would be opened with her learning it and little did I realize how persistent she would be in utilizing it to find knew knowledge. The word, of course, was 'why'.

No longer, for example, was it enough to simply watch Sleeping Beauty for the twentieth time, now we had to dig deep into the motivations of the characters.

"Why did the witch shoot lightning at Phillip?"
"Because she doesn't want him to wake up Sleeping Beauty."
"Why doesn't she want him to wake up Sleeping Beauty?"
"Because she is mad at Sleeping Beauty's family."
"Why is she mad at Sleeping Beauty's family?"
And on and on until we finally arrive to a point where I found an excuse to escape the interrogation or until I arrived at the answer my daughter hates most, "I don't know."

The first rather inconsequential but interesting lesson from my daughter's questioning was what a nonsensical character the witch in Sleeping Beauty, Malificent, really was. It appeared the whole motivation for her wicked rampage of evil all starts from feeling snubbed at not being invited to a baby shower. Even then it isn't clear if she wouldn't have done the same terrible thing even if she'd been invited. All the other evil villains in movies at least want SOMETHING, but Malificent seemed quite content pursuing evil for pure evil's sake-even if she wasn't getting anything in return.

But the real exciting thing I observed was my daughter was developing the same inquisitive spirit that had led me to question and ultimately learn. As aggravating as it at times to appease her unsatiable curiousity I want her to push why to it's unavoidable end of "I don't know" with all the important matters of life and with the topics that interest her. I want her to feel whoever she is receiving knowledge from she can always ask 'why' and see if they can push that question farther and farther. Even more excitingly I hope she can even come to learn that at times she can push "I don't know" one more question back herself. It is a thrilling journey that can at times be frightening, that comes with detractors offering less challenging detours with trite explanations. However I hope she will come to see the great beauty found in the discovery and even uncertainty in the path of pushing why.